I had a bad night last night.
I think it was to do with the having to explain things to someone, tell them the whole history of all the people that I no longer interact with (why don’t you get lifts to netball anymore? when did you decide that you guys weren’t getting married? why did you need to get an extension on your dissertation).
Then when I went to bed I couldn’t sleep so I tried putting on music but that made it worse.
The songs on my going-to-sleep playlist are all either sad or they remind me of things that I don’t want to think about. I put on the Joseph soundtrack and then ended up sobbing halfway through Joseph’s Coat (which is essentially just a long list of colours and over-use of the word ‘and’). Like, that’s ridiculous.
Today at netball I got man-of-the-match for trying-hard-even-though-I’m-not-as-good-as-the-rest. I know the coach meant well but wow that was hard to take. I so want to be blonde and skinny and athletic and pretty. I so want to be.
I feel unhappy and lonely. I want a hug. I hate not having someone close by. I hate not having the willpower to be able to do the things that I used to to rectify things. The scars are long gone now, as are most of the burns. They may as well never have happened.
I don’t know.
A: please don’t be upset with me for posting. I did want to talk to you but I couldn’t, and now the moment has passed. You were asleep and you’re asleep now which is how it should be and I’m not going to interrupt. It’s not important, don’t worry.